it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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