Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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