I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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