i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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