Where are you?
In a non slutty way
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
