woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
