so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
