Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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