Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
