why didn't you poke me back
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
