don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
