Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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