she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
