My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
