he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
me + whiskey = a bad person
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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