Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
