My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
