i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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