Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
only you would photoshop your dick
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
