just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
