I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just forgot I was standing up.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
