Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
