I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
