and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
