so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
