I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
