Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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