I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
