i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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