She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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