they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
