I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize