Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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