Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
