My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
