Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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