Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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