Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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