He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
