Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
