You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sorry about my life...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
