i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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