hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
