My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
