woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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