Michael Bay diarrhea
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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