connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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