turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
