A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
