watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
