Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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