My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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