My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
