The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize