Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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