He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
