Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
